the b-side of my life (draft from august 16, 2022)

mood: confused and sad, i'm tired of my own company & a big birthday coming up

Lately, I’ve been feeling the urge to compare my current mental state to my Summer’22 self. I had the feeling my dreams were slipping through my fingers and everything was so unknown. Myself right now in March 2025 feels similiar, even though I can say that everything I had dreamt of back then has come true. I have the evidence right on a plate, ready to be seen, screaming “We did it, don’t you see?”. And maybe there is a future me three years in the future saying the exact same thing to me right now too. This entry’s beginning ended up in august tasted my heart - the very first paid journal entry on here, as I didn’t want to feel like literally would have access to my most personal feelings and thoughts, most reason why I am still putting most of my writing behind a paywall. This draft though has a different ending, one I didn’t expect and totally forgot I put into my fictional novel “It was her”. Here’s to revisiting your writings from years ago and realising it formed a complete different meaning for you right now.

I’m the same person as I was last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that. And so on …

I’m the same person, only with more experiences, a variety of dreams I had back then, maybe different people I call my friends, a far cry from those crushes, other selected top four favorites in letterboxd and unique music, tasting the nerves in my body.

The last weeks I spent embracing all. Everytime I felt something, I heard something, I smelled a newly baked cake of my own, I said “Embrace it all.” Everytime I noticed another detail that I manifested into another person’s life, I got another message of the guy that stole my heart and never called, I said “Embrace it all.” Everytime I discovered a new song, maybe a new album, got blown away by a new old movie and everytime I crawled back into ending up watching the same John Cusack film again, I said “Embrace it all.”