august tasted my heart

“girl, it’s time to get out of those boxes and embrace it all”, it said

I’m the same person as I was last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that. And the year before that. And so on …

I’m the same person, only with more experiences, a variety of dreams I had back then, maybe different people I call my friends, a far cry from those crushes, other selected top four favorites in letterboxd and unique music tasting the nerves in my body.

In August, I laid in bed, listened to audiobooks as i was too lazy to pick up a book, watched dirty lines, tried to stay in touch with friends although really the only one i enjoyed texting with and was glad she was there was katie.

so i was in this slump, right? adding to that my parents had a fight over nonsense beginning of August and i felt like a stone. an obstacle in that house. in my home. i was glad i had my bed, my record player in the room next to me, thomas magnum & james dean hanging on my wall. but as a person i felt like an obstacle to their lives. it’s time to go. it’s time to have space for myself wherever that’d be, whoever that’d be.

the night of the fight, i couldn’t get any sleep and basically researched modules and universities for a possible bachelor of arts. i was looking for airbnbs and freelance jobs as a translator and beta-reader. oh ghostwriters are really searched for, just if that’s something for you.

i fell asleep at 4am, completely exhausted and drained. around 9.30am i was awake again and watered the plants on my grandparents’ graves. walking home i decided to leave nowhere, cancel everything, call all my planned trips off. i felt like i was stupid for thinking of leaving, i’ll end up no other like others: stuck at home, getting some weird job for the rest of my life and always walk in line.

plot twist: i will never be able to be like this cause someone who actually “walks in line” doesn’t have to tell themselves to do it first.

so yeah, here i am. a high school graduate who all she wanted was to go to nyc and write all day long, ending up experiencing a huge breakdown and identity crisis. so close to her 18th birthday. so close to calling all her dreams off. so close to calling herself a loser.