Tim 🤍

~ my soulmate & 2nd brother I dedicate all my words to

Tim. You probably heard this name in some ways from me already.

When you open ‘Follow Me.’, there’s this page. 'In memory of Tim’.

Three years ago, I met Tim for the first time. It was a sunny January day in Barcelona. The sun was shining and brought warmth no sun in Germany could give around this time of year.

It had been a short trip, a spontaneous decision from my Momma. Four days, visiting my brother Flo in Barcelona. Why not?

Three years ago, Flo & I walked through the city. It was my first time in Barcelona and I soaked up every little piece of it. I fell in love at first sight. If someone would ask me if love at first sight exists, I’d say yes. It exists. It happened to me that weekend in Barcelona with the city itself.

As we walked around the streets, some smaller, some wider, soon Flo spotted his best friend waiting on a square. After living together for many months in a flat community, Flo having his own apartment at that time, Tim & Flo met everyday. We went to the coffee they most of the time always went to to grab a cup of good coffee and just being in each other’s presence.

My brother always had a deep and profound way of a friendship. Many friendships of his ended up being mine too. Seeing my big brother as someone’s best friend influenced me huge. He taught me what friendships mean. Still, the bond he had with Tim, their friendship, I’ve never seen anything like that before and after.

I still remember it very clear. I sat opposite of Tim. My brother left from me. They both ordered coffee and I got a hot chocolate. I still see Flo smiling at me with his big brother smile and stroking my back. “Now, you know my sister.”

Tim nodded. “Now, I know your sister”

In our conversation, we came up with the topic of me trying to publish ‘Follow Me.”. Flo was more of a fan of self-publishing. Tim, being an expert in self-publishing, agreed with me wanting to publish traditionally first. I wanted to have the safety of a publishing company. My plan was to build up an audience with publishing traditionally and when one day, I’d have a big audience and enough knowledge to self-publish, I’d do so. Self-publishing right away was impossible for me at that moment. Something I’d never succeed in.

I had problems in school at that time. I was getting bullied because of my writing and just simply for my being. I wanted to drop off. The latter escalated into a huge discussion with my Mama and my brother. An argument of Flo came from Tim. ‘There are also other schools she can go to. There are some schools especially for teenagers like her, the ones with a talent.’ The reason I changed schools nine months later was this sentence.

I observed Tim during these few days we’ve spent in Barcelona. I didn’t quite know what I should think of him, but clearly he was the best friend my brother ever had and was very kind. Looking back at it from knowing me a lot better than at that time, I know that I was extremely overwhelmed with his openness, kindness, support and endless belief in me.

You have to consider that I wouldn’t sit here today if this moment three years ago wouldn’t have happened that way, if I would have never met Tim ever. I wouldn’t write this, I wouldn’t have written anything. I’d be someone who once had the crazy idea to write for a living and even more insane wanted to publish this one novel of hers. Not one with two versions of that book published & read and not one who just finished writing her first draft of her third novel.

The next time I met Tim, it was April 2019. I did an internship at my brother’s company for school and was back again in Barcelona. This time, the city should become my second hometown and it still is :)

I found a bit of confidence again and wanted to take self-publishing as an option. I asked Tim to help me and give me some details. I asked if I could interview him.

Today, I am a successful podcaster interviewing people who I look up to. One thing Tim told me during the interview was that I was really good at it. I think that’s why I stuck with it.

One month, after these two weeks in Barcelona & spending time with Flo & Tim, Tim died.

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The moment Tim died, I changed completely. I stopped. I laid all my strengths & weaknesses down. I gave up. The bullies in school should continue to throw shit at me, I didn’t care. I didn’t talk. I just was. I didn’t cry, I just was. I didn’t listen to music. I didn’t write. All words were taken away from me. It was like no words ever existed in me. I was empty. I was lost. I had died too.

I grieved together with my brother. I grieved for my brother. I grieved for my brother losing his best friend and I grieved for our brother.

I never would have thought I could let another boy take such a big part of my heart as Flo. Tim was one who’s done it.

Today if I am asked how many siblings I have, I say two: my big brother & Tim.

Tim’s my second brother, my soulmate.

I asked Tim once if he’s soulmates with Flo. He asked me what my definition of a soulmate is. My today’s definition of a soulmate is him. He’s my brother’s and mine.

I started to write again at some point that summer. Characters with Tim’s being were unearthly to not write about. It was the first time I wrote ‘dedicated to Tim’ on the first page.

In our little interview on that sunny April day in 2019, Tim and I talked about thank-you notes in books. He compared them to Oscar speeches. Once you start to count up the people who helped you, you would never find an end. I joked I needed to put him in the thank-you note of ‘Follow Me.’ as well. He could live without it, he said.

In my upcoming book ‘It was her’, there is this first page and it’s only dedicated to Tim. You’ll never find a book of mine where his name won’t be mentioned. He’ll always be there. Always in my mind, in my words & in my life.

‘It’s my story. And I need you. I want you to be the first one to read it, to hold it in your hands. I want you to listen to this story. Without you, I wouldn’t sit here in the middle of my room, listening to Bob & Johnny playing in the background, writing this. I wouldn’t write anything. I wouldn’t have written anything after May 2019. I wouldn’t have published anything. Not my debut novel nor little poems on my social media feed. So I want you to listen to the first novel I ever write about me. To the first novel I share my deepest secrets, dreams, yearnings, feelings. And I don’t want you to only listen to it, I want you to be a part of it. That’s why I am writing to you. That’s why I’m here. You’re always a part of it, so why not this time particularly.’

~ from Bonnie Orbison’s 3rd novel "What are feelings anyway?”

I wanted to write about him many times. Every approach failed. I realized the importance of today and felt the call to sit down and write it finally. It’s important for me to tell you who Tim was & why all my words are dedicated to him because there will never be a moment in my life I won't write about and for him. I hope you understand it and know how this man is responsible for you reading this email, for you holding my book in your hands!

After Tim’s death, poetry was the first thing I was capable of writing. I added some poems I wrote about Tim below. Enjoy them :)

Take care & see you :)

Yours, Bonnie O

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i think you fly now

i think you’re an angel now

i think you left earth

without leaving us