last night, i put on hats by the blue nile and dimmed the lights. my body was kissed and my head hovered on the edge of the bed. and i thought of you.
it’s been a few months now since i said goodbye to you, the cowboy, short for a coward of its finest kind. my cowboy. a five-year-old crush. a random guy, another musician making music inspired by the strokes. at this point, i could’ve just listened to the strokes. i wouldn’t be heartbroken in paris now.
at the date, he inquired about my dating history and i simply explained that i started the year with a breakup. i’ve started to detach the cowboy from you. the cowboy, the glorious saver from any writer’s block. you, a guy that never came over. i don’t know if you ever stayed over. you definitely had the intentions. you lacked confidence and still stole my heart, congrats. i wasn’t aware one needed courage, so much bravery, to win me over.
i’m living in paris now. i’ve moved here. after hearing you talk about for years, almost half a decade at this point. when i met you already, you expressed how much you adored the city. how cool it was that my hometown in germany was just two hours by train fern.
on my second night here, 9pm, the streetlights flickering in my heartbeat, i tried really hard to come up for a reason why i finally moved. all the years of adulthood i spent aspiring to move here, i had so many reasons; school, work, friends, lovers, hot fashionable artists, the culture, the prices of croissants here, the promises, the showing, the performance of it all, you. on that night on my metro line, i looked at the passengers and i realised i live here because i simply can and want to. no one awaited me, nothing was sworn to be in my belonging once i moved here, it was simply my dire desire.
in the first two weeks, i’ve painted my fingernails pink, tried on so many dresses and shoes, had many ice cones, i run and dance and workout in the park nearby my place, i’ve written the beginning of a new novel, reconciled with a few friends, prayed for souls that are no longer here with us, watched a few too many bad films, listened to hours of the man of the men; tom selleck, i talk broken french and actually speak in german when i don’t know all the words. i think of tim and how soon it’ll be seven years without him, how my brother’s got engaged, how your ex has gone back to brunette and looks absolutely amazing, how i look at tennessee on the map and follow endless roads knowing i will make my way over there at one point, with or without you.
we talked about elvis last night. he mentioned how his grandma was a huge fan, me too!, i exclaimed. he laughed at that. i continued to ask him about bob dylan and he actually listens to him. asked me who’d i choose; elvis or bob. given options i answered jacob elordi. another laugh. i think the key to making someone laugh and being funny is finding your own self amusing.
on my way to the park now, ‘love my way’ by the psychedelic furs came on. it was the song playing when you grabbed my arm and stepped closer to my breath. it was the kiss i envisioned and felt on my lips whenever the song played going forth from that night. it’s been on my daylists so many times since i arrived here. the first few times i even still thought of you. it’s not hurtful anymore though. i’ve fallen into the ocean of surrender. you’re not mine anymore, and the other day i even rewatched a video of you in my favorites folder and wondered if i even want to be yours one day. i’ll leave that question open until you come around, which you know you might never.
so until then i am going to the park every day, read my book, stretch my legs, get kissed now and then and maybe i won’t think of you some lonely night. afterall, i’m single, living in one of the greatest cities of the world and i’m an incredibly gorgeous cowgirl @ core.
As I’m leaving behind my Cowboy, my hometown and everything that hasn’t served me in the recent years, I’m embarking on a new chronicle of my life. After being the Howdy Bonnie! girl for five years now, I started sensing another name must come through.
(1) I’ll keep publishing my essays, poetry, and philosphies in writing & podcast form, as before …
(2) … whatever feels too intimidating to share with the whole wide web goes behind the paywall and almost everything is for everyone to read and perceive.
(3) After maintaining the value of my writing being 11€/month, I’ve lowered the price permanently to 6€/month and 69€/year + an option to receive personalised letters, postcards or gifts called (e)Mail from the Rodeo at the starting point of 99€/year.
(4) Comments and email replies are always welcome and appreciated!!
(5) Same as sharing with your friends or recommending me onto your own Substack readers; a referral programme has started that offers you to spread the word & gain free access to the entire archive.
(6) If you’re around Paris, either passing through or living here, reach out! I’m eagerly awaiting our connection. Who knows, maybe I can host a get-together of Parisian cowgirls in the future!
(7) I’m starting an advice column! ask a cowgirl! q’s on rockstars, text messages, ghost stories, I wanna hear it all: simply drop a message in our chat, and after the demand stops being manageable, we’ll move onto a google form or whatever. Until then, the Substack chat feature it is:
(8) As always, I wanna thank everyone who’s supported me on this journey so far! It’s been a rodeo, for sure, and it’ll stay that way in the near future. Excited to have you join me alongside it again ;)
(9) Last, but most importantly, I’ll be making an effort in reaching out to my readers here through emails, I’d love to know what drives you passionately through life, what ambitions you have on the world, where your mind takes you when a really good song comes on. Reply if you want to catch my attention first, and I’ll get in touch with you.
Everywhere in the world, lonely lovers feel the desire to earnestly understand themselves because absolutely everything doubts their hearts to speak its true language.
Complicating everything, overthinking that one conversation they had three years ago, staring at their crush through their screen at 3am, their wild soul yearns for real connection, a runaway monologue, a promised phone call.
The clarity they’re chasing will come.
In fact, my Substack diary “Cowgirl @ Core” embraces lovers drowning in terrifying loneliness, so they’ll arrive safely @ the core of their very own cowboy heart.
a cowgirl knowing change will be inevitable to reach the life she promised herself so many years ago <3
❤️❤️❤️❤️