in a time where i could just buzz you in
midnight musings of may 8, 2025
Howdy Bonnie! is my beloved online diary :) this tip jar is making it possible for you to access it, without having to commit to a subscription or paying for a full month. The minimum amount of this tip equals one week of my Substack. (to my paid subs: i freaking love you - thank you for seeing, reading & supporting me!!)
oh, my mind wanders to what would happen if you’d just walk through the door. if you’d text you that you’re downstairs, in front of my building and i could just buzz you in. your body in the doorframe. how i’d be able to simply hug you. approach you slowly, out of disbelief. “you’ve been gone for too long,” i’d say. you’d stroke my hair as you used to do and simply say “i know”. and then you’d be back in my life and maybe this time we’d start dating and loving each other. cause this time you wouldn’t have to leave so young, so unborn. i’d hold your hand underneath the table, friends of ours would invite us together at dinner parties, yours would rest on my knee. your thumb would draw circles now and then. reminding me that you’re right next to me, warm and alive. in my life. i’d wake you up after you’ve already fallen asleep cause this sentence i just finished writing deserves your attention and in the early morning you’d wake me up cause you’re going on your daily walk to browse through the streets of the city we’ve moved together.
yes, that’s where my mind goes every single night at the moment. approaching the day that bitterly reminds me every year that all of the above is all just never possible.
If you enjoyed this one, feel free to become a free or paid subscriber. For May, I’m publishing twice a week - one midnight musing (under 500 words) and one journal entry (usually over 1k words).
this tip jar is making it possible for you to access it, without having to commit to a subscription or paying for a full month. The minimum amount of this tip equals one week of my Substack. (to my paid subs: i freaking love you - thank you for seeing, reading & supporting me!!)