a fragile vase, breaking

midnight epiphany: May 29, 2023

“Lillian Gish”, found on Tumblr @gentlebranches

there are 19 minutes time before May 29th, 2023 ends. i’ve not been writing on here for quite some time & first, i thought it had to do with me being back from my london visit, then cause i was travelling again & now cause i’ve been busying myself with my podcast again & finishing off the book i’ve been writing on for the past two years.

but the truth is i sometimes don’t wanna see myself mirrored between these lines. and i don’t wanna write you fictional phrases since we’ve all been reading those enough by me. i wanna show myself here.

i usually don’t write on here, whenever i have the feeling of losing my sense of self. when i wanna pack up everything or nothing at all and run away with the love of my dreams. when i wanna quit everything and dye my hair and change my name, once again.

but i always come back reminding myself that this is good. this is bonnie orbison. this is my life. this is my love.

i’m going through realising that my relationships with people i love truly & always showed my truest self can twist from one second to another. like i can think they know me still and they still think they know me and then we clash together and it feels unbearable. like who do they think i am? and why was i so sure they’d still know me?

i change a lot recently. and i will change day to day, dream to dream, more and more. from a caterpillar to a butterfly. from a duck to a swan. from pigeon to a dove. from a piece of plastic to a cd. from a piece of paper to a finished novel.

and what should i say? all that not-showing-up-as-myself on the page backfires pretty heavy. i journal here and there, pretty consistent at the moment, and i write on my fictional novel while still selecting and ordering my poetry collection. and then i stop writing four scenes a row and i suddenly wake up from what i’ve just disclosed on the page in front of me. wow. shit, yeah this is what i feel. shit, yeah this is who i feel i am at the moment. shit, yeah i’m still in love with this one guy from my dreams.

these are the moments i feel the most myself and also the most like i’m a fragile vase breaking into thousand of pieces and no one will pick them up, eventually just brushing them together and throwing them away. figuratively speaking, the throwing away part is the sequence of the season finale where i wanna dye & cut my hair and run away with a stranger to a foreign, complete unknown continent of this planet.

and it’s weird to introduce oneself during those periods. like how should i show someone who i am if i’ve got no lightest idea who this body is they have standing in front of them and sometimes i wonder what would happen if i’d say this exactly. i think actually i’d have a great conversation and honest relationship unfolding the next hours.

i’m returning to england in the summer & i’m very excited & also very scared cause i’m in a state right now, i don’t wanna have to think about what in three months is. i’ve also officially entered the last three months of this mona lisa year. my eighteenth life of year. can you believe this? another year passing by, another waves of feelings & pages that documented this time. oh wow.

i am facing a lot of misunderstandings at the moment too, where i just close off cause i’ve tried to express what i feel for and it didn’t really get to the receiver. i’m yearning to dream so much and when i dream, i despise it with my heart and only quiet sobs are coming out of my heart. i’m cursing my feelings and then let them unhinged free in the middle of crowds of confusion.

anyway, i’m back here, xoxo 😚 see ya in 24 hours to the next midnight epiphany✨

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this is gonna be a new series, midnight epiphanies, where i show up to write in the last hour of my day. talking about my day, listing things i did or simply how i feel in that moment. consider supporting me financially with becoming a premium subscriber. thank you💐🪩